Love Does: Love Acts The Gentleman

I believe God has a sense of humor – because all of my life, he’s given me difficult people to love.  One was my old neighbor Bob, who moved in next door to me when I lived in Albany.  I was never quite sure what to do with Bob.  He had the gift of rubbing me the wrong way. One Saturday afternoon, wanting to be a good neighbor I walked over to his place and started a conversation. As we were talking, I gently leaned against his van. Immediately he stopped what he was doing, and said, “Could you not lean against my van.”  I said, “Sure.”  But I was left with an odd feeling – like he cared way more about his van, than about me.  But I shrugged it off.  A couple weeks later,    I was getting some estimates on putting in a fence.  This was a new neighborhood and our HOA requirement was to construct a fence within six months.  So I talked with my neighbor to the left and he did the neighborly thing: he agreed to split the cost with me.  Then I went to Bob.  His response: “No way, I can’t afford it. I don’t want a fence.”

“Really?” But then, when I hired the guy to build the fence that I was left to pay for, this is where it got interesting…because Bob hijacked my builder. Turns out he hired him to build a ten-foot portion of fence that the HOA said he needed to conceal his garbage cans.  But then he had the gal to have my guy stop building my fence to finish his section first…  But that’s not the end of the story.  Later that fall, I had five yards of dirt dumped on my driveway that I needed to level off the back of my property.  That next Saturday, I was wheel-barrowing my dirt to the back yard and had taken a break, when all of a sudden I saw Bob hauling a wheelbarrow into my back yard.  I thought, “Great, Bob’s had a change of heart. He’s being good neighbor.”  So after he dumped a third load, I went back outside and said, “Thanks, I really appreciate the help.”  To which he replied, “Well, I figured that this can help pay for my part of the fence.” So, I did the math.  For the cost of half my fence, his labor turned out to be $450.00 for each load of dirt he took to my backyard.  Yeah, so God does have a sense of humor alright, because He gave me someone hard to love – and He put him right next door.

God wants us to love everyone, including difficult people.  Do you have people like that in your life?  Is there someone who seems to go out of their way to rub you the wrong way? Well if you, then God wants you to love them the same way Jesus loves you.  And if you’ve been with us the last month or so that’s what we’ve been learning in this series: LOVE DOES.  In fact, this has been a pretty challenging series.  After all, its easy to love those who love you.  But God wants us to love everyone.  And not everyone is easy to love.  That’s why God gave us the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13, where He’s teaching us how to love others like He loves us.  We’ve learned that Love Does Patience:  Patient love has a long fuse with people who get under your skin. Patience stays long under the heat, and refuses to get angry with difficult people but waits as long as it takes for God to change them.

We’ve learned that Love Does Kindness:  Kindness does good to those who don’t deserve it. Kindness takes the initiative to get involved in the needs of others.

We’ve learned that Love Does Not Envy:  When we remove envy from our lives, we refuse to control our relationships, instead we celebrate people for who God created them to be.  And the way we remove envy from our lives is by learning to be content with our lives. 

And two weeks ago, we learned that Love Does Humility: Humility is basically realizing that we are all equal’s at the foot of the cross.  God loved us at our worst, so now we can love people who are at their worst. And that means learning loving difficult people like my neighbor Bob…  So today we’re going to unpack yet another way of loving that will help us love those who are hard to love. When Paul described this aspect of love, he spelled it out this way in 1 Corinthians 13:5, Love is not rude 

Now most of us know rudeness when we see it.  According to the dictionary, rudeness is described as discourtesy, brusqueness, impertinence, incivility.  Rudeness is being cross with one another. It’s treating someone with harshness… The Biblical term means to behave in a way that is“out of shape” or “out of bounds.”  It isto behave indecently or in a shameful manner.  To be rude is to be deficient of tact and etiquette in our relationships.   A rude person has a general lack of respect for others.

So what are some ways we can be rude?Laughing at someone’s expense.  Rebuking when there’s a need for encouragement.  Putting down someone’s idea as ridiculous or stupid; shouting when talking with only one person – all these are responses that are void of love.  They all display an attitude that says: “It don’t care what you think or whether it hurts you or not, I’m going to say what I want to say, I’m going to do what I want to do,” So a rude person has no regard for the dignity of the person they are offending.  Or as one theologian put it: “Such a person has no style or grace.”

But God’s love has style.  When we think of “style” we think of the latest fashions, the clothing we wear. But STYLE, according to the dictionary, is the following things: “A particular, distinctive, or characteristic modeof action; a mode of deportment or behavior; one’s bearing or demeanor.”  The reality is that God’s way of loving is a style – it is a way of carrying ourselves in our relationships.  And God does not want us to be rude.  He wants us to always carry a demeanor of grace, like Jesus!

Jesus was never rude.  He had style – His deportment was always gracious. He was,  “FULL OF GRACE and truth.”  John 1:14 He was gracious in his listening, in his interactions, and gracious with those who did not agree with Him.  Not only that, but Jesus always showed great sensitivity to people’s needs.  And so he was gracious in His dealing with all people.  Jesus’ graciousness was part of who He was, because grace was and is at the core of His being.  People saw this in Him:  All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips.  Luke 4:22

So Jesus’ style is to be our style. His demeanor is to be our demeanor: to be gracious and never rude.  But here’s the catch – we are not Jesus.  We are not full of grace at the core of our being, so how can we learn to become gracious like Jesus? How does love act the gentleman?  Well, first…

By being respectful not disdainful Like we acknowledged last week, having disdain for someone has its roots in the law. When we put rules above relationships, it is easy for us to judge others by their immoral or inappropriate behavior.  If he or she violates “our behavioral code,” then we are immediately disgusted with their behavior.  We hold them in contempt.  We have disdain.

But Jesus never sees people that way.  Jesus sees you, Jesus sees me, He sees every person He’s ever created in the same way: with dignity, value and worth.  This is what God’s Word says about every person God created: “You, O God, made man a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.” Psalm 8:5

This is why Jesus was always respectful to every person he met. No person was too broken, too despicable, too unlovely for Jesus. Why? They were the people He created.  They are people He came to die for.  So then, every person – no matter how warped, distorted or difficult – deserves from us, the same respect Jesus gives us.  He doesn’t give us the option to respect some and disdain others.  No, love means for us to Show proper respect for everyone. 1 Peter 2:17  God wants you to treat all people with the same respect you would give an honored guest.

This summer I read a book by Bob Goff called Love Does.  That’s the book that inspired me to preach this series.  Shortly after reading that, his next book came out called Everybody Always.  In this book, he illustrates the kind of respect God’s Word talks about.  Early on in his career, Bob’s dad gave him an old yellow truck to drive.  It was a beater, but it needed an oil change.  Bob never gave it one.  He simply drove it to and from work and it got the job done… Now as he tells it, One winter day, I left work a little early.  When I got to my truck, there was a homeless guy sitting in the driver’s seat.  I guess he was cold and saw the doors were unlocked, so he got in.  His shopping basket was up against the passenger door on the other side.  My truck was parallel parked between two other cars, and he sat there looking like he was waiting for the light to change.  His hands were on the steering wheel at ten and two like the teach you in driver’s ed.

I walked up to my truck and sheepishly tapped on the window.  I felt like I was interrupting him.  He looked up and waved at me, then stared straight ahead again, putting his hands back on the steering wheel.  After a few more moments of him staring forward, I tapped on the window again. He looked up and waved.  This time he rolled down my window, smiled and asked, “Can I take you somewhere?”

“Not today,” I replied as I opened the door and let him out.  He swung his legs over, stood up straight next to me, crisply patted me twice on the shoulder like I was his valet, and then walked away whistling. I just stood there for a minute, my keys still in my hand.  That was the beginning of a relationship that lasted a few months.  As Bob put it, “he needed someplace warm to stay, I needed to be helpful.”But what I love about this Bob, he treated this man with dignity.  Love that acts the gentleman shows proper respect for all people, even homeless trespassers.

Another way love acts the gentleman is by being tactful not just truthful.  Our words have power to build up or tear down, even if we mean well.  So Proverbs 15:23 gives us some good advice about how we use our words: “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply– and how good is a timely word.”  What he’s talking about here is tact.  Tactfulness is thinking before speaking.  Tactfulness is relational lubrication.  It minimizes friction between people.  A wise person once said, “When you use tact you have less to retract.”  Here are some other definitions of tact: Tact is what you thought but didn’t say.  Tact is the ability to make a point without making an enemy.  Tact is when somebody tells you “go jump off a cliff” and makes you look forward to the journey.

But the best definition of tact comes from God’s Word, “Speaking the truth in love”   Ephesians 4:15.   You see, truth spoken by itself can be blunt, cutting, even harsh.  I know I’ve blown it this way.  It’s easy to speak the truth. A great many people pride themselves in being “frank.” But frankness can be unloving.  So the next time you are tempted to just “say it like it is” STOP and ask yourself:  “Am I going to be frank just to demean her? Or is there a more loving way I can say this?”  God wants us to be gracious with our words.  So the next time you are tempted to set someone straight, remember that love is not rude.  Be quick to listen, and slow to speak.  And sometimes, that may mean to just hold your tongue, because love acts the gentleman.

One thing that can help us with our tact is this next way of acting the gentleman: By being gentle not judgmental  James puts it this way:  Wherever there is jealousy or selfish ambition there will be disorder…  but wisdom that comes from above is first of all pure; then peaceful, gentle and full of mercy.  James 3:16-17  We live in a world today where we everyone feels entitled to air their opinions. And if you don’t agree with them, you try to tear their argument down and show you are right.  But what good does that do?   James says, wherever there is jealousy or selfish ambition there will be disorder.  Isn’t that the climate today: everyone thinks they are right and you are wrong if you don’t agree with them.  But love takes a different approach.

God is not interested in whether our opinions are right. God is interested in our hearts. So we need the discernment God gives – wisdom from above. We need discernment with those who don’t agree with us. That means we need to bring God into every relational encounter.

We also need the gentleness He gives. We can be quick to judge someone’s words or behavior and condemn them.  But what does that gain?  Nothing. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle word turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.”   Bob Goff has said, “Burning down other’s opinions doesn’t make us right. It makes us arsonists.”Jesus doesn’t want us to make enemies with our words, but to love our enemies. He has shown us another way to love: with gentleness.That’s how Jesus would have us carry ourselves in every relational encounter.  Remember we are to be dispensers of grace even with those who rub us the wrong way.  Love acts the gentleman by being gentle, not judgmental.

And finally, love acts the gentleman by being understanding not demanding: Proverbs 11:12 says this:  A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor but a man of understanding holds his tongue.  I have often heard that one of the greatest tests of Christian character is how you treat a waitress or waiter.  Years ago I was having dinner at a restaurant with a very influential professor and his wife.  She ordered a steak and when the waiter brought it, it wasn’t cooked to her liking. And she let him and everyone around know it.  She demanded he get it right.  But what I remember is that in doing so, she was so demeaning.  I was embarrassed for my prof. The waiter was the gracious one, and politely took it back.  A few minutes later, she dressed him down again.  A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor but a man of understanding holds his tongue.  

The Bible tells us that this absence of understanding is at the heart of irritability.   This lack of understanding, this lack of empathy keeps you from making allowances for the faults of others.  Can you imagine that if every time you made a mistake, you had a Christian get in your face and tell you how badly you blew it?  The sad reality is that there are many people who never darken a church door today because they were hurt by the very people who should have understood them and loved them.  Love acts the gentleman by being understanding of people.  For when we understand them when they fail, we give them grace… and show them the same love God showed us. Love acts the gentleman by being understanding.

God wants us to love difficult people.  He wanted me to love my neighbor Bob.  And over time, that’s what Becky and I tried to do.  Turns out, that this is what Bob’s wife had been praying for.  You see, my neighbor Bob had been hurt by a church. As a result he’d lost his faith and become bitter because he’d not been loved. I wonder how many Bob’s could use the love we’ve talked about today?  … The way Jesus loved us, with a love that acts the gentleman.