A Marriage That Works

Marriage is a wonderful mystery. Marriage can also be a confusing and bewildering endeavor.  At the same time, the whole concept of marriage is facing some hard times today. First, there are those who say the idea of marriage just isn’t working for them. They can’t get married because they are looking for the perfect soul mate but can’t seem to find one. They’re looking for an ideal person: someone who will not demand a lot from them; someone who is low maintenance; someone who is healthy, interesting, fun, and content with life. They want a marriage that’s a 50-50 partnership where each partner gets some kind of benefit from the other. They want a marriage of convenience that doesn’t demand work to make it work. So, when their partnership fails to work, they end it.

Second, There are those who simply say, “What’s the point?  As long as we love each other, who needs a piece of paper.”  So, they forgo marriage altogether and just live together.  Then when it no longer works, they simply move on to the next person.

Then there are those who have tried to make marriage work but no matter how hard they try; their marriage ends up broken… So, there’s a general consensus among many today that believe marriage just doesn’t work – and the numbers seem to back that up.  The divorce rate today is nearly twice the rate it was in 1960.  In fact, in 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents, but today only 60 percent are. And a more telling statistic is this:  Over 72% of American adults were married in 1960, but now only 50 percent of adults are married.

So, you could make the case that marriage as an institution is indeed facing hard times. In fact, the foundation of marriage is crumbling right in front of us. People today are confused about gender, marriage, and family. And in many quarters of our culture the Biblical foundation of marriage is under attack. Why? Here’s why: When God gave us marriage, He designed it to be a reflection of God’s saving love for us in Jesus Christ. So today, every marriage is under spiritual attack.  For the evil one knows that if your marriage is working the way God intended, your marriage will bring glory to God. So, the evil one is doing everything in his power to confuse us about marriage, undermine the foundations of marriage or have us reject the concept of marriage altogether.

But no matter how confusing, bewildering or hard your marriage can be at times, God wants you to know, that you can have a marriage that works.  God wants you to know that you can have a marriage that not only glorifies the saving love of Christ, but you can experience a positive, fulfilling and meaningful relationship in marriage. And if that’s something you want for your marriage, then let me encourage you to open your Bible to Ephesians 5:22-33. For it is in this passage God lays out His design for a marriage that not only works but will shine the light of Jesus through your relationship together.  So, if you’ve found Ephesians 5, let’s look at what God gave us for a marriage that works. And the first thing God gave us is this:

God Gave us Power for a Marriage That Works Here’s the good news: The power to make a marriage that works is not dependent on you, but on the Spirit of God living in you. Look at the text with me. We often read this Scripture about marriage apart from the context. We come to verse 22, and read, “Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord,” and we immediately react to the word “submit.” It’s like a dirty word in our culture today. Our culture tries to define this concept for us, telling us that this is an unenlightened and ancient practice created by men to strip a woman of her dignity and rights. When a woman hears this command “submit” and applies our culture’s definition of the term, she hears this: “Make yourself a doormat.  Let your husband walk all over you.  Let him take advantage of you, use you, and have his way in everything.” In other words, a women WITHOUT the Spirit of God hears this term “submit” and she wants nothing to do with it because “to submit” means setting herself up for tyrannical abuse by her husband. And if that’s what this term actually meant, then she would be right to think that this can’t be God’s idea for a marriage that works.  Who would?

So, let’s back up a bit and look at this term in the context it is given.  First, the term “submit” is given to us in the context of what it means to be filled with the Spirit. Being filled with the Spirit is how God designed us to live this new life we have in Christ – this new life we’ve been learning about all through the letter. And the key to living this new life is to NOT LIVE IT OUT OF OUR OWN power, but out of the Power God gave you when you put your trust in Jesus: The Power of the Holy Spirit.

If you were here last week, we described what it means to be filled with the Spirit.  And we learned that:Being filled with the Spirit is allowing God’s Spirit to control and permeate every part of us.  To willingly allow His thoughts to permeate your thoughts, His ways to guide your ways, and His desires to become your desires.  And as we continually allow God’s Spirit to fill us, guide us, and control us, the Spirit will begin to influence how we live:

The Spirit will influence our conversations: Our conversations will become less about ourselves, and more about God and what He is doing in our lives.  There will be less discontent in our conversations, no despair over the current affairs of our world, and we won’t be filled with complaints or criticisms, but praise and hope.

The Spirit will influence our worship:  Joy will begin to dominate your life because the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of joy!  And you won’t just praise God on Sundays; you’ll make music in your heart to the Lord all day long.

The Spirit will influence our attitudes: Under the influence of the Spirit, you won’t have to think of things to be thankful for.  Everything in your life will take on new meaning… as all of it will be seen as a gift from God. Even things that previously frustrated you will lose their grip on you.

The Spirit will influence our relationships:  The Spirit will enable you to do what is not natural, namely love and submit to your brothers and sisters in Christ. As a result of the Spirit’s influence in our lives, we willingly submit ourselves to your brothers and sisters out of reverence for Christ. We’ll see them as God does, and gladly put their needs ahead of our own, so we might serve them like Jesus served us. That’s the key: Under the influence of the Spirit, we’ll become servants of one another in all our relationships – especially our marriage relationship. So that now, when two people come into marriage united in Christ and filled with the Spirit, they come into marriage looking to how they can serve one another, rather than looking to what they can get from one another.

Are you starting to see now how radically different a Christian marriage is supposed to work?  You see, every one of us come into marriage broken and damaged by sin.  In fact, without the Holy Spirit’s help you won’t have the grace, the mercy, or power to make your marriage work the way God intended. But when you allow His Spirit to fill you, you’ll begin to see God heal, renew and even rekindle your marriage. And you won’t just have a marriage that works, you’ll have a marriage that brings glory to Jesus. God gave us His power to make your marriage work. If you want a marriage that works, take advantage of the gift He’s already given you. Be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Now, let’s look at the roles God has given us to make a marriage that works. God’s actually given both men and women a part to play to make your marriage work.  In fact, I would say it this way:

2. God Gave us a Pattern for a Marriage That Works                                   First, the pattern for wives: “Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord,” Now, we’re going to look at submission, not from the world’s definition, but God’s definition.  And the idea behind God’s submission for wives is this: “Wives, you are to place your life under the care of your husband. You are to trust that He will care for you in the same way you have trusted in Jesus to care for you.”

To help us understand what God is commanding, Paul now points to the husband’s role as “head’ of the wife, by comparing his role with Christ’s “headship” role with the church. Let me read this for us: For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Ephesians 5:23 Now, when you begin to understand the role God has given your husband by giving him headship, submitting to his headship takes on a whole new meaning.  So, we need to unpack the meaning of headship.  What does headship mean?  Now, some are quick to say, that headship is leadership.  That the husband is to call the shots in the relationship and the wife is to trust his leadership.  But that’s not what biblical headship means.  Especially, when you compare it to how Christ is the head of the Church.  So, let’s unpack this:

First, Headship conveys the sense of taking responsibility for that which God commits to your care.  Bryan Chapell gives us some clarity on this. He says, “Biblical headship shifts the focus of husbanding from taking charge to taking responsibility, and from asserting one’s will to giving one’s self to the good of another.” One thing this definition of headship addresses are those husbands who may use headship as an excuse for passivity in their relationship. Husbands who refuse to expend effort to do anything responsible in their marriage may claim they are exercising their privilege of headship, but in reality, they are abdicating their God given role.  Indifference to the needs of your spouse is not biblical headship.  It is Sin!

Secondly, Headship also does not imply spiritual or personal superiority for husbands in the sense that it grants them the right of arbitrary, selfish, prideful, or impulsive rule. Here’s why most women in our culture today rightfully oppose this idea of submitting to one’s husband.  Why would they make themselves subservient to someone who wants to treat them as a doormat?  No, there’s nothing about Biblical headship that allows for the tyrannical abuse of women.  This should be clear from the following command given to husbands, “love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” These words should call to our minds Jesus’ sacrificial ministry: giving up heavenly glory, living in poverty, washing feet, and suffering upon a cross. Headship is not lording one’s position or power over another for personal gain.

What is biblical headship? It is servant leadership. It’s how Jesus leads the Church, His body, of which He is Savior. Jesus gave His life for the Church. Jesus sanctifies the Church. Jesus washes the church.  Jesus presents the church to himself as a radiant and beautiful bride. He nurtures and cherishes His church.  When you see all the ways Jesus takes responsibility for the care and well-being of the Church, and then you apply how God has given your husband the same responsibility for your care and well-being… then you can understand why God commands wives to allow their husbands to lead them the same way.  For when husbands lead their wives in this way, not only will they thrive in marriage, but your marriage will show the world how the gospel works.

So, wives, the pattern God has given you in marriage is to place your life in the hands of the man who will love you like Christ loves the church. Let him die for you. Let him provide for your well-being.  Let him nurture and cherish you. Your role in submitting to his servant leadership is not to tell him how to lead, or correct him when he fails at leading, or gossip when he leads poorly.  No, your role is to let God make him into the leader He has called Him to be.  Your role is to trust him to lead you like Jesus would lead you and encourage him when he fails… And yes, he will fail.  So, pray for him.  Keep serving him and keep trusting in Him.  And trust God to work in Him… to make him the leader he was created to be.  And as he grows as a man who is for you, it will be a joy to place your life in his care.  That’s the pattern God’s given you to make a marriage that works. Is it always going to be easy?  No. That’s why we must now take a closer look at the pattern God has given to husbands:

The pattern for husbands: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body.  Ephesians 5:25-30 Husbands, we’ve been given a unique privilege.  The pattern for our role in our marriages is to live out the gospel for our wives.  We are to love our wives with a sacrificial love.  We are to love our wives with a sanctifying love.  And we are to love our wives with a satisfying love.  For when we love our wives like Christ loved the church, we will live out the gospel with our spouses, and we will have a make a marriage that works – a marriage that blesses our wives and glorifies God. So, let’s look at how we are to love our wives:

First, love her with a sacrificial love: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25 Men, marriage is a call to die. To die to your selfish ways.  To surrender your pride.  To sacrifice your time, your energy, even your good ambitions. Loving your wife the way Christ loved the church means you will be faced with the choice to die for your bride over and over again.  It means you will be faced with countless opportunities to give yourself away for the good of your bride, in order to give her the grace she needs to become a beautiful and radiant bride.  Men, when God gave you your bride, He put you in the place of Christ – to love her like Jesus would love her.  This is why Christian marriage is so much more than traditional marriage. For when you die to yourself, and love your wife like Christ loved the church, your role in marriage will reflect the Gospel – your role in your marriage will reflect God’s saving love for us in Jesus Christ. This is the responsibility God has given you as head of your wife.  It’s not just a sacrifice for her benefit, it’s also an object lesson to the world of Christ’s love for the world.

I remember when this first hit home for me. Becky and I had an amazing first year of marriage. Then one day I came home realized we weren’t seeing eye to eye. I knew I was right and was justified in my point of view. But Becky was hurt. To this day, I don’t remember what we were fighting about. But what hit me at that moment was that I had a choice to make.  What was more important: That I was right or that our relationship was right. Right then it became clear to me that I had to die to myself. I had to die to my pride.  I could love my wife like Christ loved the Church, or I could hold my ground.  So, there it was. What choice would I make?  At that moment I knew what Christ wanted me to do.  Was it easy?  No.  But that day I learned what God was commanding me to do, to die to myself for the sake of my bride.

A little later I came to the realization of why so many marriages end up in divorce.  It’s because men like me aren’t willing to make that choice.  They’re not willing to die. Why? Because men want to win. But here’s the secret to a Christ honoring marriage: Marriage isn’t about winning, it’s about dying. It’s about becoming more like Jesus.  And the more I choose to put Becky’s life ahead of my own – the more I chose to be gracious to her, to sacrifice for her, to seek what’s best for her, the more I show others the gospel of Jesus.  And yes, the more I get to experience a marriage that works.  That’s the pattern God gives us men.  We are to love with a sacrificial love.

But we’re also called to love her with a sanctifying love:  Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, Ephesians 5:25-27 This is why Jesus died for us. He gave himself up for us, the church, to make us a holy, beautiful radiant bride.  And the way He makes us holy, the way He cleanses us is with His Word. Christ cleanses His bride spiritually through the Word of the gospel.

Does this have application for us as husbands?  Yes! Men, we are to be concerned for our wives’ spiritual well-being.  We have a responsibility to make them holy, to make them beautiful and radiant brides. How, by shepherding them with the Word.  By imparting grace and mercy to them through the application of God’s Word in your life.  This is a call to make the Word of God central to your marriage. Be in the Word personally. Talk about the Word with her. Worship with her. Care for her soul.

Men, do you want your wife to be a radiant bride?  Do you want your wife to be beautiful inside and out? You can, when you keep the word of God central to everything you do in your marriage. That’s part of the pattern God has given us to make our marriages work!  We are to love our wives with a sanctifying love.

And finally, we’re called to love her with a satisfying love:  We are to provide, nourish and care for our brides, just as we care for ourselves.  Why?  Because of the mystery of the one flesh union. Look how Paul concludes this teaching:  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 5:29-33

Men, God has entrusted you to provide for your wife’s needs. This is your responsibility To nourish your wife is to provide for her needs – to give her that which helps her grow and mature as the woman God created. Husbands, your responsibility is to help your wife thrive. But here’s the thing – when you give her warmth, comfort, protection, encouragement, and security; when you give her love, intimacy, confidence and belief – you are also giving her what you need.  When you satisfy her needs, you’re also caring for yourself.  That’s how God designed marriage to work.  When your wife thrives, you too will thrive. For you are one flesh! So, love her with a sacrificial love.  Love her with a sanctifying love and love her with a satisfying love and you won’t just have a marriage that works, your marriage will reveal the gospel of Jesus Christ.

So, there it is: Paul has spelled out for us God’s design for a marriage that works, for a marriage that displays the gospel.  And the good news, is that God has given us the power to make our marriages work, by giving us His Holy Spirit.  And God has given us the pattern to make our marriages work. Now, it’s up to us to trust that what God has given us works…

So, Wives, will you submit to your husbands as to the Lord?  Will you entrust the care of your life to the man who is willing to lay down his life for you?

And Husbands, will you take the responsibility for the well-being of your wife, and love her like Christ loved the church?  Will you serve your spouse?  Will you die to yourself?  Will you love her with a sacrificial love, a sanctifying love, and satisfying love?

If you are willing, then you’ll not just experience a marriage that works, but your marriage will show the world how the gospel works!

Let’s pray.